Discovering Joy in Motherhood: 4 Tips to Embrace the Mom You've Always Dreamed of Being
Are you a mom seeking joy in the midst of the challenges of motherhood? You are not alone! In this blog post, I'll share my top 4 tips which include letting go of perfection, releasing control, embracing silliness, and leaving margin in your schedule to help you experience the joy that you have been longing for.
Before we get into that I want to introduce myself. My name is Brittany, I am wife, mom of 3 littles, church leader, and Marriage and Family Therapist turned coach. I run the Morning Mama Podcast where I get to help moms heal their minds and spirits so they can live the motherhood they were made for.
Let’s dive right in.
1. Let Go of Perfection
Perfection is unattainable: This can be hard for some of us to grasp. Maybe you are like me and are an Enneagram 1, wanting to make things perfect all the time. I know that it is not possible, and yet it is so easy to fall into that mindset of wanting everything perfect.
We need to go back to the truth that there is no way to make everything perfect. It is literally impossible and it steals our joy. When we set our standards here, we're only going to fail. We're only going to be discouraged and feel like we're not doing enough. We may even feel like we're just not enough because we're trying to reach this unrealistic standard.
There’s nothing to prove: Release the pressure to prove yourself to others. We often feel we have to show others we are a good enough mom through a clean house, beautiful family photos, and how well-behaved our kids are. We obviously want to have well-behaved kids but easily feel embarrassed when they are not. But we need to remember that they are sinners like us. We will mess up. Our kids will mess up.
Why do we feel like we have to prove we are a good enough mom? Whom are we trying to prove? Who is sitting there judging us? No one! Just ourselves! If we are constantly worried about what others think we will never be able to experience the joy God has waiting for us. Let’s just drop this idea that we need to prove ourselves and just breathe and seek the tools that we need to grow.
Keep the drive: Part of this drive for perfectionism can be good because it helps me want to grow in important areas of my life like my relationship with God, having better systems in my house, and making me want to parent better. We don’t want to drop that drive and say “yeah, this is good enough”. We want to use this drive but let go of this unrealistic standard.
Improvement is good, and there are always ways to improve! But the problem is we rob ourselves of joy because we are working hard and doing everything to improve and grow, but then we never feel like it’s enough and we feel like we never arrive. Turn your attitude from “I have to do better and I am not enough if I don’t do better” to “I want to grow, I want to heal, I want to do better tomorrow.” The drive to become a better mom should actually bring us joy and not steal our joy.
2. Release Control
We can only control ourselves: Acknowledge that you can only control your own actions and reactions. The hardest time for me to release control is when it comes to my kids' behavior. When I want to control them, I usually act out in anger and rage. In my mind, I am capable of controlling them, and if I yell loud enough or get on them enough, I can solve the issue. But, the only person we can control is ourselves, and we cannot control our kids.
It does not matter how awesome of a mom you are or how consistent and good you are at discipline. Just like how God does not control us, we cannot control our kids. He lets us make our own mistakes and gives us that free will. One of my core wounds, coming from restoration theory, is feeling out of control. If you want to learn more about this, listen to episodes 15-20. When I go to this place, I usually try to control the situation and get angry, which only causes the situation to get worse because I can only control myself!
Release this idea that you can control your kids. When they make an innocent mistake or a sin, you don’t have to feel like you have to fix it. When we try to control, we make it about ourselves. If our kid messes up, we think that this says something about us as a mom. We think that controlling it will make us look better and make us feel good enough. When this situation comes up, you can say out loud, “I am feeling out of control, but I have choices, and I know I can control myself.” There can be so much freedom and joy in knowing you can only control yourself.
Discipline plan: When your kid does sin, it is good to have a clear plan for discipline when it is needed. It is the number one thing to help you feel in control and help you address bad behavior. If you are needing a plan for discipline, check out episodes 85, 87, 98, 99, 101, 103, 104, and 106. This plan for discipline has helped remove most of my anger in motherhood, and I have a sense of peace and joy because I know what to do.
3. Embrace Silliness
Break free from the seriousness: I don't know about you, but I can find myself in this season of motherhood just so serious. I think it could be the pressure of it all being so much and all the things that are constantly going on in motherhood. It can be so easy to be in this mindset of productivity, schedules, and to-do lists. There is always more we can be doing.
When we are at home with our kids, it can be so easy to stay in that mindset. For me lately, I have noticed these little moments of opportunity to be fully submerged in what’s happening and embrace a moment of silliness. Our kids can be sweet and goofy, and we have these opportunities to either ignore it and keep doing what I’m doing or pause, step into that goofiness, and be silly! These moments of silliness mean so much to our kids! These are moments to connect with our kids and have fun! We need to embrace these little moments.
We are always worried about keeping the house clean, feeding them, teaching them, and all these other things that need to get done. These are all important, but the things our kids are going to remember the most are these moments of silliness where we are able to connect over something funny. Keep your heart in check and do not be too busy and too caught up in everything and watch out for these moments! Those moments will bless and give joy to your kids and you as well! We need it just as much as our kids do, if not more!
4. Leave Margin in Your Schedule
Make time in your day: I have noticed that if I am ever in a rush and there is no time for margin, I have zero joy. We need to figure out how to have extra time in our day. Not every minute of the day should be scheduled out. This can be challenging with kids in sports or having multiple kids. Our schedules can get filled up super fast. If there is no margin in the day for you or your kids to make a mistake, to have an extra hug, read an extra book, have a good conversation, you will be missing out on so much and it adds a lot of pressure that can easily turn into stress.
How do you add margin to your day? You need to literally schedule in downtime. Also, give yourself extra time when you need to be somewhere so you are not rushing and getting into that control mindset and not being able to embrace silliness. If someone makes a mistake, you won't get mad because you're going to be late. Unstructured time at home needs to be scheduled. There may be days and seasons where it is extra busy, but it should not be like that all of the time. It's not good for you and your family.
When you are able to slow down, those are the moments where the most joy will come. It is a great time to go slow, have no agenda, take it easy, and have conversations, and be yourselves. Sometimes our kids' misbehavior can come from the pressure of going fast causing chaos in our homes.
BASE: GET HEALTHY
Ultimately, we need to take care of ourselves physically, spiritually, and mentally to experience the joy God has for us. If we are not healthy, we are going to be irritable, triggered all the time, and stressed. We need to take care of ourselves. This means creating time away from our kids, getting organized in our home and schedules, getting proper exercise and eating well, and knowing our pain and our peace cycles from restoration theory.
What do you do if you are not healthy? My encouragement would be to get a therapist or to sign up for the Pain to Peace Academy where we dive into all three of these realms and access what needs to be healed and work through it all.
Assessing Your Joy Stealers
Reflect on what might be stealing your joy, trusting that God has more in store for you and ask yourself the following questions:
What is currently stealing my joy?
What is one step I can take this week to begin to have more joy?
God has joy waiting for you even in the middle of this messy motherhood. I want you to be able to access that because it is so good and so worth it, and life is lacking without joy! I pray God reveals to you the blessing you have in your life and gives you the wisdom on where you need to focus to access the abundant joy waiting for you!
By trusting in God's plan and incorporating these tips, you can experience the joy that comes from relying on His love and guidance. Motherhood is a divine journey, and as you surrender to God, you'll find joy in the genuine moments of love, laughter, and connection with your family.
Now, I want to hear from you! What other ways have you experienced the joy in motherhood? Comment below! Also, subscribe on any podcast platform.
Do you want to dive deeper? Sign up for the Pain to Peace Academy!
